Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
