Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
