Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I think I just sharted jello shots
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