I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
