Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
