Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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