So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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