You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
