He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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