I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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