Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
