Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
