What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
