I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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