if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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