you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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