I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
