listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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