I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I can't put those talents on a resume
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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