I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
