Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
