totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
