happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
