I wish my penis had an off switch
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
