to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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