Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
