That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
