So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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