Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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