Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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