He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
