I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
