Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
