Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
