Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
