u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
