totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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