i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
