Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
