I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
