i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
