Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
organizing the empties. That sober.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
