i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
