walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You are a genius and a whore.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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