Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
