I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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