she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
