Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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