If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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