My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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