The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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