I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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